I Love Him, I Love Him Not…

“I am a regular follower of your tweets and views. Mashallah, they are a source of great guidance to people in general and Muslims in particular , all over the world. Now, straight to the question. I am 25 years old. My concern is of that marriage plans. My parents are in hurry to get me married and they wish to do so after a couple of years. Even I am not. I wish to achieve more professional growth first.

But my problem lies with this person, I like and it has been almost two years of our relationship. However, lately I have been reading a lot of Hadith and Quran translation (English), which has made me very strict about my preferences.

If I abide by my religion, then this person is not the right one for me , because he does not pray and he has been into a lot of relationships with girls. Though ever since, he met me he stopped all that to some extent, but he is not religious. Now that I am getting very very particular about following Islam, I think he might not really fit the bill. I have tried talking to him and convincing him that he needs to practice Islam more strictly, he overlooks this.

At the very same time, I am having a hard time trying to forget him and I keep repeating the same mistake of overlooking his flaws, especially when it comes to religion.

I am in a dilemma brother, and i want an honest advice from you on this.”

All praise is to Allah alone. We seek His guidance and His Mercy. Firstly, I want to thank you for the very kind words. May Allah accept all of our efforts.

Here is the Prophet Muhammad’s (peace be upon him) advice regarding what to seek in a spouse. Although he mentions women, it can also be applied to men because the end result and goal is the same.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) encouraged marrying women who are religiously committed, as he said: “Women may be married for four things: their wealth, their lineage, their beauty and their religious commitment. Choose the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may your prosper).” {Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5090; Muslim, 1466.}

‘Abd al-‘Azeem Abaadi (ra) said:

What this means is that a man who is religiously committed and of noble character should make religion his focus in all things, especially with regard to long-term matters. So the Prophet (PBUH) enjoined finding a wife who is religiously committed, which is the ultimate goal.

Now, for starters you sound a little conflicted to me. It sounds like you have a history with him, which means you do have feelings for him. Also, you’re seeking to leverage your occupation as a reason not to marry him, albeit, becoming more religious all at the same time. I know, family pressure can be some of the toughest pressure we can face. It’s not easy living as a Muslim woman these days, especially in households that value culture more than religion. I have the utmost respect for anyone who is striving and struggling to establish their relationship with Allah. Nowadays, parents seem to want one thing and their children seem to want something completely different, and they both claim to know what’s best.

The truth is, Allah knows best. My honest and sincere advice would be to give him an ultimatum. He can attempt to establish his prayer and reconnect with Allah and in the meantime, you can continue to pursue your career. This will give you both a chance to make things work. If he is not willing to or is making excuses why he can’t, then drop him like a bad habit. It may be a bit harsh, but you don’t have to sign up for something that will hold you back. If he doesn’t want to practice, that is between him and Allah. Bringing you into the picture will almost certainly affect your level of faith. He has to not only prove it to Allah, but has to prove it to you as it is your right to know what type of life you are going to live.

You see, during the lifetime of the Prophet (peace be upon him), the woman’s primary role was caretaker. There were no careers for them to pursue and no universities to attend. It was in their best interest to get married young as their child bearing years were at a premium since the expected life span (in general) was shorter. Times have certainly changed, and if you honestly want to continue your work until you are ready, nobody can force you to marry someone you do not want to marry, so as long as you are able to stay away from any type of inappropriate relationship.

Forcing a chaste woman to marry someone she doesn’t want to is prohibited in Islam.

“A virgin cannot be married until her consent has been sought…” {Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5136; Muslim, 1419}

However, you have to be true to yourself. Is it because of work that you don’t want to marry him, or is it his past, or is it because you are now practicing? Heck, it could very well be all of the above and they are all justifiable, but I would be most concerned over his practice of the religion of Islam. In the end, you can disobey your parents if they attempt to force you to marry someone who is not of noble character, or who you feel will not be able to assist you in reaching a higher level of God-consciousness.

Allah (SWT) says,

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ “And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in peace and tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are signs for those who reflect.” {30:21}

However, we do know that we cannot find true peace and tranquility without remembering Allah much.

الَّذِينَ آمَنُواْ وَتَطْمَئِنُّ قُلُوبُهُم بِذِكْرِ اللّهِ أَلاَ بِذِكْرِ اللّهِ تَطْمَئِنُّ الْقُلُوبُ “Verily! In the remembrance of Allah do hearts truly find rest.” {13:28}

Now, you simply have to ask yourself, will this individual help me remember Allah so that I can achieve peace or will he be an obstacle in the path towards righteousness?

If the answer is obstacle, then end it. I wouldn’t use the excuse of your career to your parents though. They don’t really let things like that fly. Just tell them you are now a practicing Muslimah and would prefer someone who is committed to his faith.

May Allah make it easy and help you find that special someone who will aid you in reaching true contentment. Ameen.

And Allah knows best.

14 thoughts on “I Love Him, I Love Him Not…”

  1. Jazakallahu Khairun everyone. I have had the biggest dillema of my life by far solved with Allah (SWT)’s blessings and you guys helping out. Though I posed this question to brother almost a year back, the answer lies clear in front of me now. He proved to be excatly what I was apprehending and what you all had suggested. Although I started keeping distance from him, I eventually learnt that he wanted to do what his mother asked him to and got engaged to his cosuin sister. It all hurted me, but I feel free Alhamdullilah:-) He just did what he had to.

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  2. Enlightening… Your words of advice will be useful to many Muslimah. I’m taking the advice for myself too as I fail so many times. Too blinded by so many things in the past, I am now asking Allah’s forgiveness. Reading through Islamic blogs like this one is inspiring me to strive and be a better Muslimah. I have a lot of things to learn and need to practice I know but it’s not too late yet.

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  3. First of all, I’d like to say I’m glad I’ve discovered bonsaisky alhamdulliah lol. I love you for the sake of Allah.

    Sister, I’ve had that same issue as well. And sometimes you end up looking at the good things about them rather than the big flaws which can affect and determine your future. I prayed istikahara many times and realised one day, I need somebody who fears Allah. Because if he doesnt fear Allah, what made you think he’d treat you well? Alhahu’alaam. You need somebody who strives to worship Allah and inshallah help you too, in fact help each other out inshallah 🙂 When you put trust in Allah when it comes to future spouse, and make duaa for somebody who follows Allah azzawajals path rightfully, he will come 🙂 inshallaah. Also, you deserve somebody better than that. Never settle for less than you deserve and need.

    Hope this helps, may Allah make it easy for you ameen.

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  4. Salaam. I recently got in touch (over the net) with my friend from elementary school, but now she is 17 and love sick. I feel really sorry for her, and want to tell her about Islam, as I believe it would totally benefit (obviously). So what are some ways I can approach his issue? JazakAllah kheir

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  5. thank you i agree with the whole love thing, you put it in words for me but unfortunately a lot of people disagree !!!
    salam

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  6. Have you prayed istikhara? Have a clear mind and open heart and ask Allah to guide you in the specific decision. Do not expect a dream but look for signs as Allah will always guide us if we ask for his help. Inshallah, if this person is good for you and your faith Allah will show you and if not, you will know in your heart.

    Had a similar dilemma and prayed istikhara a number of times over the period of 2 months. The answer came, loud and clear.

    Good luck sister

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    1. Assalamulaikum.
      Its simply like this. Its said that one who commits to Allah will, certainly be blessed with the one who has the same commitment. Allah has promised this. But you know, this guy might really be the one for you. As a person can change, with the will of Allah. He might strive for changes in himself after marriage, but he’ll change nonetheless to match up w you.
      But see it like this. If he’s not trying changing himself now, then he’s probably never will. Because Hidayah comes to those who look for it. And he clearly doesn’t.
      I’d say leave him. Cause this might be cheesy, but there’s someone better for u out there. You try to change dear, I respect that, and Allah wont let you down. An ultimatum would be great, and he will try to change bcause of you. I mean, in the beginning bcause of you, but when he learns Islam deeper, he’ll change himself fully to please Allah. Changes have to start somewhere.
      And istikharah is cool too. Except that I’ve read somewhere that if ur mind has already told urself that u want that guy, then the dreams or indications you’ll be having will appearing that guy. Thats lust speaking to you. Or syaitan. I dont know. But I think, just as long as you humble urself fully to Allah, and not making decision prematurely, then I think it’ll work. But you’ve to be honest w urself. Dont claim u ask some guidance from Allah, when really, u’ve already decided.
      I dont know much. But my parents got married when they were introduced to each other by an ustazah. So you know she introduced them two in account of their faiths. So I guess, maybe you should try asking any scholar to help you find him for you. Or even ur parents.
      Good luck.

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  7. Salamu alaykum wa jazakaAllahu kheyran brother for your words. MashAllah. I’m sure they are of help and comfort for the sister who asked the question but also for many others out there. May Allah reward you ameen.

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  8. Wow Jazak-Allahu Kharain.. Your words always seem to hit home. I feel like you are my big (twitter) brother. LOL. And Sis may Allah SWT guide you always to the straight path of those whom he favored. Ameen..

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