I Love Him, I Love Him Not…

“I am a regular follower of your tweets and views. Mashallah, they are a source of great guidance to people in general and Muslims in particular , all over the world. Now, straight to the question. I am 25 years old. My concern is of that marriage plans. My parents are in hurry to get me married and they wish to do so after a couple of years. Even I am not. I wish to achieve more professional growth first.

But my problem lies with this person, I like and it has been almost two years of our relationship. However, lately I have been reading a lot of Hadith and Quran translation (English), which has made me very strict about my preferences.

If I abide by my religion, then this person is not the right one for me , because he does not pray and he has been into a lot of relationships with girls. Though ever since, he met me he stopped all that to some extent, but he is not religious. Now that I am getting very very particular about following Islam, I think he might not really fit the bill. I have tried talking to him and convincing him that he needs to practice Islam more strictly, he overlooks this.

At the very same time, I am having a hard time trying to forget him and I keep repeating the same mistake of overlooking his flaws, especially when it comes to religion.

I am in a dilemma brother, and i want an honest advice from you on this.”

All praise is to Allah alone. We seek His guidance and His Mercy. Firstly, I want to thank you for the very kind words. May Allah accept all of our efforts.

Here is the Prophet Muhammad’s (peace be upon him) advice regarding what to seek in a spouse. Although he mentions women, it can also be applied to men because the end result and goal is the same.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) encouraged marrying women who are religiously committed, as he said: “Women may be married for four things: their wealth, their lineage, their beauty and their religious commitment. Choose the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may your prosper).” {Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5090; Muslim, 1466.}

‘Abd al-‘Azeem Abaadi (ra) said:

What this means is that a man who is religiously committed and of noble character should make religion his focus in all things, especially with regard to long-term matters. So the Prophet (PBUH) enjoined finding a wife who is religiously committed, which is the ultimate goal.

Now, for starters you sound a little conflicted to me. It sounds like you have a history with him, which means you do have feelings for him. Also, you’re seeking to leverage your occupation as a reason not to marry him, albeit, becoming more religious all at the same time. I know, family pressure can be some of the toughest pressure we can face. It’s not easy living as a Muslim woman these days, especially in households that value culture more than religion. I have the utmost respect for anyone who is striving and struggling to establish their relationship with Allah. Nowadays, parents seem to want one thing and their children seem to want something completely different, and they both claim to know what’s best.

The truth is, Allah knows best. My honest and sincere advice would be to give him an ultimatum. He can attempt to establish his prayer and reconnect with Allah and in the meantime, you can continue to pursue your career. This will give you both a chance to make things work. If he is not willing to or is making excuses why he can’t, then drop him like a bad habit. It may be a bit harsh, but you don’t have to sign up for something that will hold you back. If he doesn’t want to practice, that is between him and Allah. Bringing you into the picture will almost certainly affect your level of faith. He has to not only prove it to Allah, but has to prove it to you as it is your right to know what type of life you are going to live.

You see, during the lifetime of the Prophet (peace be upon him), the woman’s primary role was caretaker. There were no careers for them to pursue and no universities to attend. It was in their best interest to get married young as their child bearing years were at a premium since the expected life span (in general) was shorter. Times have certainly changed, and if you honestly want to continue your work until you are ready, nobody can force you to marry someone you do not want to marry, so as long as you are able to stay away from any type of inappropriate relationship.

Forcing a chaste woman to marry someone she doesn’t want to is prohibited in Islam.

“A virgin cannot be married until her consent has been sought…” {Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5136; Muslim, 1419}

However, you have to be true to yourself. Is it because of work that you don’t want to marry him, or is it his past, or is it because you are now practicing? Heck, it could very well be all of the above and they are all justifiable, but I would be most concerned over his practice of the religion of Islam. In the end, you can disobey your parents if they attempt to force you to marry someone who is not of noble character, or who you feel will not be able to assist you in reaching a higher level of God-consciousness.

Allah (SWT) says,

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ “And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in peace and tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are signs for those who reflect.” {30:21}

However, we do know that we cannot find true peace and tranquility without remembering Allah much.

الَّذِينَ آمَنُواْ وَتَطْمَئِنُّ قُلُوبُهُم بِذِكْرِ اللّهِ أَلاَ بِذِكْرِ اللّهِ تَطْمَئِنُّ الْقُلُوبُ “Verily! In the remembrance of Allah do hearts truly find rest.” {13:28}

Now, you simply have to ask yourself, will this individual help me remember Allah so that I can achieve peace or will he be an obstacle in the path towards righteousness?

If the answer is obstacle, then end it. I wouldn’t use the excuse of your career to your parents though. They don’t really let things like that fly. Just tell them you are now a practicing Muslimah and would prefer someone who is committed to his faith.

May Allah make it easy and help you find that special someone who will aid you in reaching true contentment. Ameen.

And Allah knows best.

• February 9, 2012