Seeing the Light

One year ago, my personal life flipped on its head. I was happily married, had two beautiful healthy girls, a house, a great job, and a great life. And in a blink, it was threatened April fools 2014. In a short time, lies, betrayal and disrespect were exposed in my marriage, the job I loved was ripped away from me on a technicality, and I lost friends due to both.

I can honestly say that it was the absolute most difficult time of my life. I was in very dark tunnel with no way out. I was trying to take care of my daughters while unemployed and my marriage a sham. I had nowhere to turn. I was completely alone, struggling to get up everyday to take care of them. I was stuck with no way to provide for myself or them. I was losing on all fronts. No hope. My struggle with life was moment to moment. I have never felt such pain and despair in my life. My girls were the only thing keeping me going.

How do you survive the person you trusted most in the world, betraying you? Your trust? Your marriage? Your family?

How do you survive the loss of your financial livelihood? Your friends? I just didn’t know how I was going to make it through each day.

I started writing in a journal. I started with one positive thought everyday. In the beginning, most days, all I could find that was positive was that my girls were healthy and happy. That’s all I had.

I have never felt comfortable in church. I grew up in a very small town to young, uneducated parents. Spent time in a Episcopalian and Baptist Church. I never understood the things that were being taught, and I questioned everything. Which, as you can imagine went over well.

When I was old enough to decide, I stopped going. Of course, my family was not happy. But I shouldn’t be forced if I didn’t want to, right? I shouldn’t be forced if I didn’t FEEL it, if it didn’t make sense to me. I am not the do it half way type. I’m all in or not at all. So, I have lived my adult life void of spirituality and religion. That’s not to say that I don’t feel it in my own way. But I never pursued it. I never lived it. That is, until my personal life took this unexpected and devastating turn.

My journey to Islam has been evolving these past 9 months. I had a very close Muslim friend, so I took to reading more about Islam, so that we could discuss it together.

What I unexpectedly found was that I enjoyed reading and learning about Islam. I enjoyed it very much and continued to read different articles, different websites, and even started reading the Qur’an on my own. I found a peace within myself that I have never known. I came across some verses, that when I read them, I instantly broke into tears …

“And He found you lost and guided [you]” {93:7}

“verily with hardship comes ease” {94:6}

And I started to believe it … for the first time in my life I was believing in something. And I felt good. This was pulling me out of my dungeon, the dark tunnel that I was living in. And I started to feel alive again, to live again. I started to heal. I kept reading, kept studying. And I keep learning as much as I can.

The first time I heard that Adhaan I broke out into tears … I still tear when I listen to it. Islam has been calling me, and I know it. But I struggle with this decision being the right one, despite all the signs, and there have been many. I think about taking the Shahada on a daily basis. I am learning to how to perform Salat and how to make Dua. Sometimes, I just sit and cry after. Sometimes, I cry and talk. But what I do know, is that I always feel better afterwards. I feel like I can face my daily struggles. It’s like I am cleansing myself little by little. But, I am also taking this journey on my own for now. All of it, in silence.

I am a work in progress.


By: @jmc_enigma (MW Guest)


16 thoughts on “Seeing the Light”

  1. Aslam u alikum Jodi,

    As you said ‘work in progress’ that’s we all are, crawling bit by bit towards perfection. You are definitely not alone, Allah is there with you, much more nearer to you than anyone else.

    Like

  2. Assalamu ‘alaykum, peace be unto you dear Jodi
    I agree with the previous comments: we all are a work in progress and I am very impressed with how you’ve been coping and the way Allah chose to call you back to Him.
    This is from His mercy, He guides whoever He wills, whenever He wills.
    If it wasn’t for this great trial hitting you, would you be considering becoming Muslim now?
    SubhanAllah (glory be to Allah, most perfect and pure) this is a reminder for us as well, we are all so lucky to have faith.
    Have you been to a local mosque yet? You mentioned a close Muslim friend, did you meet more Muslims?
    You can check these websites (they also have YouTube channels):
    http://www.whyislam.org/
    thedeenshow.com

    Please also feel free to get in touch with me anytime (@amtakingheed).

    Thank you so much for sharing your story with us ❤

    Hope to hear from you soon insha Allah 🙂

    Like

    1. Thank you!
      I have been to the whyislam.org sight many times. I love it! It is very helpful in many ways. I have it saved to my phone 🙂
      I have not reached out to a local mosque yet, but I have visited their websites. I know many Muslims in the community that I work with, or have met through work. I think I am just not ready to take the plunge just yet. Getting closer though. Thank you for your support. Its much appreciated!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re most welcome!
        Take your time, you’ll definitely feel it when you’re ready to take that step that will make you as innocent as a newborn as your slate will instantly be wiped clean… I’m totally JEALOUS!!! LOL
        Take care ❤

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  3. Salaam alaykum,
    Thank you for sharing such a personal piece of writing with us. Alhamdulillah that you found Islam! 🙂 It sounds like you’ve already accepted it even if you haven’t said the shariah. I can understand what a big step it must feel like to actually say it but when it’s put in context, you’ve already taken the big steps, saying it will only confirm that. I’m not saying don’t take your time, but hopefully trying to point out that you’ve gone through bigger changes already so don’t be scared etc 🙂
    And we’re all a work in progress. 😉

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  4. I’m usually good with words but I’m just left me speechless…
    Some people live and die without seeing the light…
    This article is humbling to every muslim. It’s not your label that matters, it’s that step you take towards the truth…
    When you finally “feel” the light…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I Appreciate the kind words. This is such an emotional journey for me, just reading everyone’s kind comments make me cry. The support is very welcomed.
      I feel in my heart that I have accepted it. I have noticed that I already have made lifestyle changes without consciously doing so. I look forward to praying when I can, and feel so much better after!
      Thanks again!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you for sharing your deep personal story. Rather than feel sorry for you, I’m going to congratulate you for your accomplishments. Being a single mother is a hard task and you deserve all the praise for it.

    Journeys in life are never easy. I relate to your journey coming to Islam a little bit because even though I was born Muslim, when I decided to wear the hijab though- it took me about a year before I had the courage to do it. While it may seem easy to take the shahada, do know that it will come to you when Allah wants it to come to you. And you don’t have to struggle alone. Feel free to follow me on Twitter (@miriammahmood) and message me whenever you feel like. The beauty of the Internet! Good luck and stay strong. Everything will fall into place when the time is right InshaAllah (God Willing) love, Miriam

    Like

    1. Thank you. I appreciate the nice comments. It was very emotional to write, let alone submit. But it feels good to share my story a little, despite my anxiety about it!
      Thank you for the offer of support! I undoubtedly will have questions that I can’t Google! Haha. Especially questions regarding women in Islam. Thank you so much!
      Jodi

      Liked by 1 person

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