Hijjepinophobia: How Hijaab Pins Can KILL You

Hijjepinophobia (Hij-jeh-pin-oh-fob-iah): the inherited or acquired fatal fear of sharp long metal objects that are often used to hold a Muslimah’s head garment (otherwise known as ‘hijaab’) in place. (Trademark: RazBlogs)

I almost died once because of a hijaab pin in the wild. Imagine this: you’re casually going to sit down, minding your own business, about to enjoy a hot cup of tea and then BAM, you’re violated for no reason whatsoever and you lose more than just your wudu. A hijaab pin somehow penetrates through every tissue on your buttock, grinds against the pelvic bone, and casually sits there pretending your trousers are some sort of hijaab it needs to hold together. Even though your glutes do that already, thanks. Your tea spills everywhere, and your entire day is ruined due to an intolerably decaffeinated state and you’re walking around as if you’re riding an invisible horse. On top of that, it feels as if you’ve been inoculated by some sort of hijaabi pin virus. As a result you develop a severe psychological reaction to the hijaab pins of this world. Every time you see a hijaabi with one of those massive pins protruding from her head, in your brain you’re rocking back and forth in a corner of a room crying.

Ok, so may be the fact that I ‘almost died’ is an exaggeration. Perhaps the pins never really penetrated me that deep at all, but I can certainly say with conviction that the idea of the above has resulted in an incurable paranoia and a constant fear for my life. Indeed, I have been pricked on numerous occasions, and rather ruthlessly at that. It’s as if Liam Neeson became a hijaab pin and threatened revenge for something I didn’t do.

My name is Raz and I suffer from Hijjepinophobia. Why can’t hijaabis keep a hold on their pins? Or is there something about hijaab pins that make them prone to getting lost? I mean, the pin-heads are like massive zits – you can’t miss them, what with all the intricate designs, jewels and variants they’re available in. But noooo, somehow it happens. Stuck in my blankets, the toilet rolls, the carpet, my pants, my food, my car seat (and headrest – YES headrest, because obviously why would anyone not want to attack my brain first?). They are EVERYWHERE. I can’t do sujood in peace thinking my forehead will be pierced by a pin, though I go ahead anyway because at least I’ll die in prayer. It’s a world-wide hijaab pin pandemic. Plus – have you seen hijaabis holding those pins in their mouths whilst they fix up their hijaabs? Firstly, um, do you *want* a perforated oesophagus? Secondly, have you ever seen a hijaabi then wash those hijaab pins? No, they don’t. Each pin probably has years of mouth bacteria just growing on it, in Asian style population colonies. Then that same bacteria enters our (innocent) skin and voila – septicaemia.  I live with numerous hijaabis in the house, and that just exacerbates the aforementioned problems. It’s like hijaabis pretend the world is their farm and they’re on a mission to grow hijaab pin trees by planting them happily along the course of their day. Little seedling pins being chucked across casually like it’s a frivolous sport. Sisters be doing hijaab pin javelin.

It’s quite clear this is a conspiracy to take over the world. There’s no point in fighting it, indeed the increasing number of hijaab adorners is endearing and must be supported. So here’s the solution: use the power of the pins for good. Here are ten top ways hijaab pins are already being used to improve the world, but we just don’t know about it yet. We need to research and trial these ideas with a strong scientific rationale, and really push them forward. I strongly encourage you all take heed and after reading this article make it a mission to change your lives, and the lives of the poor people around you who are circling death 24/7.

1. iPhones

Lost that little pin that opens up the SIM card tray? Not an issue. Whip out that hijaab pin and pop open that bad boy. Someone needs to sell this idea to Apple. I even made a vine tutorial on how this may work:

2. Booby traps

Intruders in the house? Not to worry, people. The ultimate, most scarring intervention is here. Remember that scene in Home Alone? Hijab pin.

3. Acupuncture

I’ve already had several episodes of involuntary acupuncture with hijaab pins. Man’s a bleeding fountain. About time it was done for a legitimate reason (and after sterilisation smh). If you’re a hijaabi, please consider acupuncture accreditation. The Chinese have been using hijaab pins responsibly for thousands of years. A year over there may teach y’all some control techniques, so my hand doesn’t look like a pin cushion without a therapeutic cause.

My hand after I stick it in to my wife’s cupboard

4. Toothpicks

The standard wooden toothpicks are flimsy. They become like brushes after one or two pokes and have no repeat value. Hijaab pins can be sterilised, re-used and will not bend under pressure. They will get right at the tough meat stuck in between those molars and emerge victorious. Ok, you may eventually force your teeth apart and end up looking like Gollum – but I hear that’s fashionable now.

5. Toys

When thousands of hijaab pins come together in an orderly fashion – great things can happen. Remember these? Made from 100% strengthened steel hijaab pins. A frightening prospect for the future of artificial intelligence made purely from hijaab pins *shudder*. ‘Pin-art’, lol.

6. Desserts / Food Items

I guess you could call this a ‘toothpicks part two’. But, yup: sterile, washable, re-usable. Classy. Imagine serving burgers with massive hijaab pins going through them to hold the buns together? I mean, they’re used for whatever ‘buns’ give that little projection at the back of a hijaabi’s head, I’m sure they’ll be fine for this purpose.

 7. Sutures

If they can hold together the tension of an impressively large camel hump hijaab, they can hold together skin. Whilst we’re at it – add all the other medicinal purposes: pricking the finger for diabetic checks, orthopaedic (bone) pins, braces, intravenous infusions etc and you have saved your country’s healthcare system billions in cash. You’re welcome, Mr. President.

Rare Da Vinci hijaab pin surgical diagram

8. Police Force

This one takes the cake. You crafty policemen, you! Deserved applause for the officers world-wide who truly recognised the potential of hijaab pins far in advance of their true forms being discovered. Here’s the scenario: You have a scintillating live car chase. The law-enforcement crew are in hot pursuit of the criminal, who’s now on the run after robbing a local bank. So the officers call in the next district and ask for back up. Police cars approach from the other end of the motorway and bring out a massive roll of something. What is it you ask? An inverted hijaab pin mat.

BOOM. The criminal’s car tyres feel the wrath of the hijaab pins as the vehicle spirals out of control, right in to jail. The villains (hijaab pins), become the heroes.

9. Kebabs

We all love kebabs, right? The juicy, tender, perfectly spiced meat that makes the life of every carnivore just wondrous. Well, they’re made on hijaab pins. Please see the picture for reference:

You must be wondering – those are a little big for hijaab pins right? NO. THEY’RE NOT. If you’ve seen the size of some hijaabs, the pins need to traverse a wide, tortuous terrain to truly be effective. It is said, amongst the pages of myth and lore, a genius (yet unfortunate) Moghul found one of these embedded in his foot (‘Kebab main haddi’). The mere sight of it ignited the idea of the seekh kebab there and then. The rest, of course, is delicious history. More kebabs, please!

10. Sports

Fencing is a fantastic sport. Played with two very large, flexible, hijaab pins (see point 9 re: size queries). Look at all the fun they’re having with that shariah-compliant body armour! I already mentioned Javelin, and I think women could really focus all that hijaab pin throwing energy towards an Olympic sport.

So there we have it! There are innumerable responsible uses for hijaab pins, inclusive of so many industries and technologies – certainly too many to list here. Let’s start small. They do not need to be embedded in our skin, sisters. They do not need to take lives, nor end up in our digestive systems giving us the shock of our lives as we go to flush our toilets. We do not want the vaccine – we want the cure. The ideal scenario here would be to ban pins completely, and request that the Ummah pumps funds in to developing magnetic hijaabs.

To be honest, I don’t understand why women can’t just lie down on the floor and do a quick roll in a laid out hijaab – it’s easy, efficient and pin-free. I suppose it’s all been tried and tested, but with approximately 253 hijaab styles, pin use is inevitable. I mean, a quick Google search shows that Buzzfeed even has an article on ’23 Seriously Beautiful Hijab Styles To Try’. Twenty-three. On that search, I even saw a tutorial on a hijaab with a ‘million folds’. Complex origami has fewer folds. The world’s fattest man has fewer folds. What’s the need for such preposterously big hijaabs any way? It’s like you’re competing for a place in next-gen car safety features.

Until we develop virtual holographic hijaab headsets, it seems that pins are here to stay. As for the rest of us – long have many suffered. It’s time to rise against the tide. We need to become the resilient heroes our world needs. Like ‘The Justice League’ or ‘The X-Men’, we need to become ‘Hijaab..Men’ (admittedly, that name needs a bit of work). A gang of heroes that use the very thing they fear as a weapon. As a symbol. Together we stand as the ones who’ve been pricked.

…HijaabMan

The hijaab prick helpline

Writing the word ‘hijaab’ and ‘pins’ so many times in one article has been a challenge. Almost cathartic. But my final advice is thus: Dear sisters, if you must use them, please keep those pins safe and out of harms way, before we end up like the poor guy below. A true case of hijjepinophobia. Hijaab pins kill people. May God save us all. Ameen!

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By: @Raztweets (MW Contributor)

Raz (@RazTweets, @RazVines) is a medical doctor and researcher by profession, but a social media & creative arts fanatic by passion.

Based in the small but beautiful country of Wales, Raz has an ambition to change the world-wide representation of Muslims through humour, inspiration and visual media. He is blessed with a wife and two children, who inspire every minute of his existence.

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• May 27, 2015